endless memorys

I’ve died 4 times
Lived more then a few times
They say im wise
I say im beyond that

I’ve died 4 times
An dreamed of an UN known kind
Lived life as a local dime
Collecting dollars
Creating crime

I’ve hidden my image for more then 5 years
Never was really understood by my peers
Counted my tears on the pillow cases of his pillow cases
Prayed prayers my mama use to pray
An sat down with my grandma an discussed shit about being gay

Wrote stories of wonder land searching for my Alice
Told love stories like a book taking notes
Hanging from fairs wheels
Of her heart
Crying my dying fears melting my paper jus so their ears
Could hear what everyone else was missing

I’ve never really gave my self the time I was given
Use a clock without a stop watch never put new batteries in it
So my time always was ended 420
I use to smoke to clear my mind

I never was given the guidance to walk to the front of the line
I crawl behind
Placed a mask over my face an put on a front instead of being fake
I use to use my attitude to scare away the bad revenue
Never was fucked with in high school

Always was the number one topic
Like did u see was she had on short skirt?
I can almost see her tong
All the dudes liked what I was doing

I use to change my image
Ran marathons I never gave a shit about wtf he or she was on

I use to fuck this white boy
Used him as my white toy
Smoked weed until my mama came

Ditched school cuz I was sick an tired of that shit man

Then I met a dude an boy was he a hurricane
Breaking news punched in the stomach
Pain became my new life style
Never thought about shit like if this was worth my while
Purified his anger an poured kerosene on the fire
U think ima let him beat me to the wire

Biting my finger nails how do u retire
Loved my son with more then I had in me
I couldn’t afford wtf he was doing to me
Despite the outside look
I was really dien inside
Hiding under glasses jus to hide my eyes

Never opened my mouth unless he told me to speak
Never walked the streets innless he gave me the sheets
Never left the house dirty
Cuz it was lil things like that
That made him beat me until morning

I thought I found love but all I found was pain
I thought he loved me all cuz he tattooed my name
So naive to how he was playn me
Until I stood on my own feet an stop walking on my fucking tippy toes
Flat grounded fuck u only god knows

I had a convo with god last night
He gave me the power to get up an fight
I’ve been thru hell an that’s why ive died 4 times an cam back
Smiled in the devils face
Sprinting thru this devilish race
Wrote a book
Told my poetry
Really how hell taste

Now im into female’s cuz of one mans illiterateness
An now I look in the mirror wit discuss
I never wanted to be the daughter that has to tell her mama
Im gay cuz a man beat me until I was almost
Oblivious
But fuck it cuz god dealt me my cards an forgot the chips
Ima get this regardless